lately there’s been this song, ‘this is me trying’ which i am honestly, unconditionally obsessed with and it almost feels like a perfect lyrical projection of everything that i’ve been going through/feeling since quite long now. this might seem unlikely because nothing particularly looks misaligned on the outside about my life but i know how hard it has always been for me to try and adjust and make sure that i fit in, an inner conflict that slowly rusted anything good that i might have initially started with. i cannot bring myself to restore all that i’ve lost my grip upon because it’s overwhelming, because i think i am complicit with an inescapable cycle of self destructive and regressive behavior.
i’ve often been told that all my problems are a manifestation of my mentality, that “it’s all in my head” but i refuse to believe so. why, there must be some reason for all this mindless torment which drives me a little closer to the great abyss every single day. there must be some explanation to why i wasted all my potential and got stuck in an endless loop of infinite dimensions and can’t seem to find my way back out. i am deeply unsatisfied over everything i write because i find it nothing more than a poorly conjectured and dramatic proclamation of love, of my utmost conviction to have put up with a toxic lover and danced around him like a firefly dancing around blinding lights until ultimately getting burned itself. i kept replaying the memories like flashbacks on a film reel and never made space for another. i know how desperate and torturous that is but it’s all i had for the longest of time and soon realized what a hell loop i was in. i had to unshackle myself before getting deemed an absurd Sisyphus who must struggle perpetually and ultimately give in and find happiness in this hopeless struggle.
i was very fond of everything golden and shiny as a little girl, who braided her hair into new patterns every night. it was as if i had convinced myself to the reality that adding some shimmering beauty would not only glorify anything featureless but almost instantly prompt my endearment towards it. i never learned in my blissfully unaware childhood that letting go of certain things that you believe you can’t rid off is crucial even when it feels like discarding a part of yourself, your own flesh. this is particularly why, growing up, my demeanor towards anything gone slightly awry would always be sympathetic or apologetic or i would take it upon myself to try and do everything i could to mend it. i HAD to prove the fact that i always had a solution, that i could single handedly change things for the better, no matter how worse of a condition they might be in. maybe that was my coping mechanism towards my personal insecurities, the constant fear i had of not doing or being enough all the time, fading to the background like a song that’s long forgotten. it’s funny that i write all of these in past when i know it for a fact that nothing has particularly changed in the matter and i still remain to be so profusely obsessive. i ask why but find no answer to it.
maybe someday when i’ve liberated myself from the feeling of being at the edge all the time and i’ve learned that measuring oneself against others on the bell curve is an irredeemable failure in itself, that being self critical is fine as long as the depreciation comes from a place of awareness and acceptance of oneself, i’ll finally find a fitting-piece in the greater puzzle that is life. untill then i guess i’ll just keep trying.